I knew you couldn't resist a good cringe worthy story
I can't either. Something about watching others peoples very humany, very embarrassing stories brings such comfort doesn't it?
Okay, let's get awkward
It's a warm spring day in 94'. I'm a talkative, outgoing, creative grade four who loves to have the attention on me and NKOTB (obvs)
This spring day is a very special one. It's our classes very first time doing oral reports. I'm a bit of a talkative class clown but deep down I'm a huge teachers pet who loves praise and recognition and this day was going to be MY DAY TO SHINE. I was really chasing that gold star.
I chose to do my report on ant eaters which felt about as exotic as a tropical island treasure hunt in my small fishing village classroom. I was going to nail this & impress everyone with my worldly knowledge.
Did I mention the video camera? A heavy black over the shoulder monster precariously mounted on a tripod in the back of the classroom, ready to capture my glorious and captivating oral report.
"Danielle, it's your turn"
I stood up and made my way to the front of the class in my white turtleneck and bright magenta sweatpants. I took a moment to straighten my stance, make eye contact and smile at the camera. I was ready to give the speech of a lifetime.
The impressive facts about ant eaters started to flow effortlessly. The class was totally engaged, everyone was looking at me, wide eyes and smiles slowly stretching across their faces.
I knew I was going to WOW them but this was even better than I had hoped for!!!
As I moved into my report wrap up I started to hear some giggling off to the side of the class. I faltered and looked up to see every single grade 4 enjoying an inside joke that I was very obviously not aware of. I scanned the room to see which poor soul had incited this now class wide spread of giggling, whispering, mouth covering situation. Funny thing was, I couldn't seem to find the source.
Then in a split second I realized I WAS THE POOR SOUL. I was the source of laughter for the entire grade 4 class. I can still feel this moment in my body as I type it out. The heat that started in my belly and travelled upwards tightening my chest, causing my to stammer out my last remaining sentences, my own voice sounding as if it was echoing somewhere outside of my body and the buzz in my head growing in intensity as my face flushed deeper and deeper red.
I dashed to my desk, trying to appear cool and collected when I was anything but.
I was still completely unaware of what had provoked this humiliating onslaught of laughter as I laid my forehead down on the cool smooth top of my desk.
Paper.
A jagged ripped up piece of white drawing paper the size of a quarter.
The very same white drawing paper that I had been ripping up earlier that day at my desk.
NOW FIRMLY STATIC CLINGING DIRECTLY ON THE CROTCH OF MY BRIGHT MAGENTA SWEATPANTS.
This, paired with the new blossoming humour of grade fours and I really didn't stand a chance. This was the moment that I learned that it was UTTERLY HUMILIATING to show up in front of people and that naturally it is much safer to stay behind the scenes. Which I have mostly been successful with since then 😂
This story is less about the actual story and more about....
Acknowledging how easily silly situations can shape how we show up in our lives & in the world
Reminding ourselves that we don't have to subscribe or buy into the beliefs and ideas that don't fit anymore
Realizing it's safe to change the story and that it can actually be easy and fun * just like I am doing here
So many beliefs are just blips of situations filtered through our own need for self protection, just like this one. Something so silly and seemingly trivial which has held me back from a lot of amazing opportunities throughout my life. Even though I'm not in grade four anymore, even though my brain knows better.
So here I am.
Standing in front of you.
Doing the work.
Reminding you that it is safe for you to rewrite your story as well.
PS. Thanks for being in the gang
Love your fave spiritual friend,
Danielle Rae x
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